Church newsletter pastoral column for St. Peter Lutheran Church, Greene, Iowa, for October, 2018.
The Four Things That Matter Most
For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
– Ecclesiastes 3:1-2
Nearly every month in this newsletter, there is an invitation for you to fill out a planning form for your funeral. Thinking about your funeral might be uncomfortable, but after your death, it can be a wonderful way to help your family as they grieve. It’s a gift – hopefully one that won’t bear dividends for a long time!
A more immediate gift that can also provide great comfort to your family and friends long after you’re gone is simply spending time in meaningful conversation with them. I’ve recently read a book called The Four Things That Matter Most by Ira Byock, a doctor who works with people in hospice care. He shares four prompts for essential conversation with loved ones before death.
Please Forgive Me– Every week in worship, we confess our sins to God in the presence of one another, and we hear the all-important promise of God’s forgiveness freely given in Jesus Christ. At the same time, all of us still carry regrets for things we’ve done to other people. Forgiveness means freedom, both for the one who has done harm and the one who is wounded. Who do you need to say you’re sorry to and ask to forgive you?
I Forgive You– Forgiving others is essential for Christians. In Luke 4:2, Jesus tells us to pray, “forgive us our sins, for we ourselves forgive everyone indebted to us.” And yet, when you have been deeply hurt by someone, it can be next to impossible to forgive. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting what happened; it means remembering what has been done to you but not letting it control your future. Explicitly speaking forgiveness can transform relationships.
Thank You– This one might be the most straightforward. What are you grateful for? How has God blessed you in your life through other people? Think about the people who have impacted your life. When was the last time you explicitly told your loved ones that you’re grateful for them?
I Love You– “Whoever does not love does not know God, for God is love.” (1 John 4:8) Love is at the center of God’s relationship with us, and at the heart of the relationships God calls us to have with the people around us. The most powerful thing you can say to a loved one is simply to tell them you love them. Instead of assuming they know your feelings, actually tell them.
The key to these four things is that they don’t need to wait until death is near.These are conversations to have in life, conversations to build and restore relationships. Although Byock’s book is not explicitly religious, having these conversations is a spiritual task. Paul writes in 2 Corinthians 5:18 that God has reconciled us to himself through Christ and has given us the ministry of reconciliation. These four things are a way of doing God’s work of reconciliation.
Have these conversations.Use the time you have with your loved ones. Your words matter. What do you long to hear from your loved ones to be at peace? What do they need to hear from you?
Your servant in Christ,
Pastor Daniel Flucke