Endorsement Essay Part 3

I’m currently a candidate for ordained ministry in the ELCA, and a seminary student. This is the third and final section of my ELCA Candidacy Endorsement essay.

Read part 1, and part 2.

Endorsement Essay Part 3

Prompt 2: Faithful Living (2011-2013):

There has been a great deal of change in my life since entering the candidacy process. Since my candidacy entrance, I have graduated from college, gotten married, completed a year of seminary, and completed CPE.

When I wrote my entrance essay, I wrote that money was one of the biggest obstacles to my ministry call. While money is still obviously an issue, with the help of seminary scholarships, outside scholarships, and congregational and synodical support, the financial situation of my wife and I has been manageable.

The biggest challenges and adjustments since beginning seminary have been more personal than educational or spiritual. My wife, Christin, and I were married in July of 2012, two weeks before moving to seminary, and adjusting to married life has been my biggest delight and challenge.

We’ve wrestled with the difficulties of being in a place only temporarily during seminary, and the challenges of finding a job and putting down roots when we anticipate that we’ll be leaving next year for internship.

We’ve struggled with the reality that me being at seminary pursuing my vocation makes it far more difficult for Christin to pursue her vocational call. And, we’ve made it through the challenge of being apart during CPE for our first summer since getting married.

Spiritually, I greatly appreciate living in this seminary community with peers focused on faithfully learning, discerning, serving, and supporting each other. Beyond providing opportunities to practice leading worship, going to daily chapel serves as a good time for me to take a break from the academic world and focus on worshipping God.

Finding a local congregation to worship in this year has been more challenging than I expected. Christin has been exploring different job possibilities in youth ministry, so we visited each church that she applied to. When a job in that field didn’t work out last year, we found a church in Dubuque to get involved in and consistently attend.

This year, Christin has a job in a church, so we have just started regularly attending that congregation on Sundays. Of course, we’ve also been home in Fond du Lac several times, which has helped us to continue being strongly connected at Ascension Lutheran there.

Some of my biggest moments of vocational growth came this summer in CPE. For the first time, I had the opportunity to lead a worship service entirely on my own. Despite some nervousness beforehand, the service went well, and I felt comfortable and affirmed as I led and preached. Actually leading worship was re-affirming to my call.

I’ve had the opportunity to prepare and deliver sermons several times now, and each time I’ve been nervous beforehand, yet felt comfortable and peaceful while actually giving the sermon. From my very limited experience with preaching, I’ve been pleasantly delighted to find that I actually enjoy both writing and giving sermons!

Beyond the worship services this summer, CPE helped me to grow in my sense of pastoral identity. I was on a hospital unit that had very high turnover, so I was meeting new people every day.

I struggled, particularly the first few weeks, with understanding what my pastoral role was in my visits, since these weren’t people who had asked to see a chaplain, or who necessarily had any religious affiliation. As I made visits, I discovered that when I had a clearer sense of my purpose in going in the room, I was more confident, I was easier to talk to, and the visits went much better.

I learned that as the spiritual care provider, I needed to be there to listen to whatever the patients or family members needed to talk about. I didn’t need to have the answers; I just needed to be a listening presence.

Similarly, in on-call visits, I responded to whatever situations came up, even when I didn’t know what to do. I discovered again that when I could get my own nerves, awkwardness, and concerns out of the way and really listen to the concerns of those in the room, God could work in the situation through me.

I think part of my growth in my understanding of pastoral identity was realizing that, although I bring my best, it’s not always what I bring, but about the office of pastor. Although being a parish pastor isn’t the same as being a hospital chaplain, I believe the experiences I had of being recognized and trusted as the one in the office of pastor/chaplain are still helpful to me in other ministry situations.

One of the challenges and blessings of being a pastor, as I understand it, is that it truly ought to be a vocation, not a job. I’m hopeful that internship will help me further explore this and learn to set boundaries for myself and for my family.

Part of being a pastor is that you are a public minister. Whether or not you’re at church, people in your congregation and your community pay attention to you. There’s no room for living a hidden life in pastoral ministry.

To me, living as public minister “whose life and conduct are above reproach” means being authentic, recognizing that this vocation is all encompassing. 

Although it’s essential to set boundaries and to be able to set aside time for work and for family, I can’t be one person in church and another elsewhere. I’m still human and I’m still a sinner, so I guarantee that I will make mistakes. I’m not and will never be perfect. I understand living “above reproach” as being honest about my shortcomings.

Yes, I am making a commitment to “lead a life worthy of the Gospel of Christ and in so doing to be an example in faithful service and holy living,” but I also know that no one can make themselves truly worthy of the Gospel of Christ. The Gospel is good news because it says we don’t need to make the effort to be worthy of God’s love.

I don’t want to be the pastor on a pedestal who claims to be perfect. I think it’s much more important to lead by being authentic about my own failings and shortcomings, living as an example of one redeemed by God’s grace.

That said, I do believe I need to make ethical decisions in my life, and I recognize that I am representing the church. Part of the burden of being a pastor is that people will judge the church and even God based on how they perceive me. Frankly, that’s a terrifying thought.

However, it’s also not my job to be perfect in order to represent God. That’s an impossible task. God works through people who are imperfect. While I do my best to be a faithful example in service and living, I trust that the Holy Spirit makes it possible. People are brought to God by the power and work of the Holy Spirit, not by my actions. Thanks be to God!

As I begin my second year of seminary, I’m excited to be following God’s call on this journey. I look forward to continuing to learn and grow in my faith and ministry abilities. I’m confident that I will continue to wrestle with the big theological questions like theodicy and free will, and that the wrestling will not always be fun or easy.

But I know that God is with me on this journey, and I continue to appreciate the support I’ve received from my family, classmates, church, and candidacy committee, and I’m excited for this next step on this path.

Thank you!

My Approval Essay can be found here.